WRITING AND MY MENTAL HEALTH
This week, I am diverting from the Stepping Stones of my writing and publishing process to talk about mental health. Why? Honestly, I had no idea how hard making a dream into reality would be, and the toll it would take on me mentally. With my mental health taking a beating lately, as I approach the finish line of launching The Perilous Road To Her, I wanted to be open and honest about my journey. I could have waited until I had outlined all the Stepping Stones, however I wanted readers to understand that not everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time. I also wanted to show that struggling is normal and does not make me, or anyone else, less worthy to create their art.
Note: I believe no two persons' mental health is exactly the same. What I am sharing is my own experience and I encourage anyone who is struggling with their mental health to seek help.
So here we go!
A rollercoaster of emotions comes with writing. Excitement about an idea. Self-doubt in one’s abilities to articulate the idea as it sits in the mind. Love for the characters. Fear no one else will like the story. Joy and relief when you write THE END. And so on, and so forth.
Before starting my writing journey, I understood the path wouldn’t be smooth and obstacle- free. However, being new to the process, I admit I didn’t comprehend exactly what obstacles I would face and their impact on my mental health.
On a typical day, I would rate my mental health as very good. I am a positive person who generally looks for the best in a situation or person. I am very passionate about writing and put my whole heart into it. Daily, I get done what needs to be done, and generally with a smile. I thrive on to-do lists! That being said, the fact I push through is also the detriment to my mental health. I tend to bury negative feelings so that they will not prevent me from completing tasks or impact the mental health of those around me.
As a result, sadness, frustration, and anger get pent-up within, until the point that I breakdown and either cry or scream. Recently, I had so many unacknowledged emotions within me that it made me nauseous.
So what does this have to do with my writing journey?
I am still on the rollercoaster of emotions and trying to learn how to enjoy the ride, while holding on for dear life. Part of that is recognizing that no matter how many to do lists I make, or how much I plan, I will not be able to prepare for everything. And that is okay.
If I planned out all the joy I would experience, it wouldn’t be as sweet! If I knew what obstacles I would face, I would be too scared to try to publish my book.
What has not been okay for me, has been setting such high expectations of myself and ignoring my emotions.
Having never been through the process of writing a book, or getting it published, meant I had to learn a lot. I love learning new things and therefore I set the expectation that I would be able to learn everything that I needed in order to make this book a success (to me). I wasn’t ignorant to the fact that it would mean a lot of hard work, however I felt I could do it all. I could figure out the steps needed, push through any obstacles and get it done!
I relied on my passion for the project to give me the energy I would need to get from the first word on the page to a published novel. I gave little, to no, thought about my mental health.
I will say, I have experienced a lot of highs and only a few lows. But those lows were hard.
Self-Doubt
Through the entire writing process I have been filled with both confidence and self-doubt in my skills. I felt people would both love or hate my story. I doubt I will ever escape these feelings. However, I have learned to recognize when doubt is creeping in - I generally start to feel like I don’t want to write. Or I start thinking my idea is stupid and not worth writing. When this happens, I try to take a day and read a book or watch a movie/television adaption of a book. Why? This usually inspires me to get back to writing, as I want to do what ‘they’ did. I want to share with people the worlds living in my head.
When I started, I didn’t have the confidence to talk about my ideas with others. I relied on myself, and my husband to give me the courage to continue writing. It was hard, and part of the reason it took me eight years to write my first novel. I am grateful that I now have a little more courage, and have a small group of people I will talk through plot points and characters. If you are stuck, and have friends who support you, I would encourage you to reach out to them. A different perspective may unlock a world of solutions or ideas. However, keep in mind that their ideas are their own opinions. Thank them for sharing and then determine what you may or may not use.
Disappointment
Recently, I was getting to what I thought was the point where I could actually pick a launch date. The book was written, formatted, cover designed and I was waiting on my proof copy from Amazon. I will talk more about cover design in another post, however, I had completed the design myself with the help of a photographer.
It was already a bad week, so when my husband said I should have a package at the door I really wasn’t excited. My gut told me that the book wasn’t going to look good. Nothing else was lining up with the book so why would this? Unfortunately, I wasn’t wrong. The cover was too dark and what looked good on my computer screen did not look good in print.
I had built it up in my head that I would be ready to launch mid- to end of April and seeing the cover just made me feel defeated. I was disappointed in myself. Forget the fact that I had zero cover/graphic design experience. I felt the cover looked “cheap” and “wrong”. As much as I told myself I wasn’t a professional, and my husband encouraged me that we would get it fixed, I felt so depressed that I spent the entire weekend sad and in front of the television. I wasn’t motivated to do anything as a writer, or in life.
It was only after that weekend, that I realized doing nothing was exactly what I needed to do. I didn’t need to immediately take action and find a solution. I needed to feel the emotions of sadness, anger and disappointment in order to realize what I would be satisfied with as my next step. And it was not trying to fix it myself!
At the start of the publishing process, I wanted to try everything so that I would know what I would be willing to pay someone else to do. What would my sanity be worth?
Well, I will be hiring someone to design my book covers from now on. I tried and failed to design my own. That’s okay. Failure is okay. Disappointing, yes. But okay.
As of this post, I have received both my updated Amazon and IngramSpark paperbacks - and they look AMAZING! There were no tears upon opening these packages!
Frustration
This emotion I know well. It almost always has to do with the fact that I take on too much and then set lofty goals of when I can get everything completed. When it comes to writing, I set goals of when I want my book published, how I “need” to market it, writing contests I want to enter, the desire to have some kind of book tour, building a social media platform etc. The list goes on and on. People are sometimes amazed at how much I can get done, and done well, in a short time. However, I need to remind myself that I am one person and everything won’t happen overnight.
In the past, I haven’t scheduled days or times to work on certain items on my to do list. As most recently as this week, I have realized that I probably need to do this. If I want to stay mentally healthy, and put in the amount of work into writing as I hope to, it means that I need to get even better at time management. If I don’t, I will be overwhelmed and frustrated.
When I am overwhelmed or frustrated, I stare at my to do list and feel like I am not getting anything done. If, even in reality, I am kicking that list's butt. Currently, I have no idea what my plan is to organize my time better. However, I am seeing dedicated days, or times, for different aspects of life as an author. For example, maybe Monday evenings, after my day job, I spend writing. This is a time my husband is busy and therefore I would not be impacting our relationship. Tuesdays, maybe this is the day I write book reviews for the authors I have read recently.
I love colourful spreadsheets and see one way to help my mental health is to spend a day or two setting up a system that will work for me and my brain. I am actually quite excited to make a plan. Have I mentioned I like solutioning problems ;)
I have shared a few of the negative impacts to my mental health but what about the positives?
Self-confidence
Pushing through the self-doubt and finishing my first novel has given me more confidence than I ever expected. I don’t believe I am anything special, but I do believe that I can write book number two with a little less concern. Yes, I will have doubts that the plot or characters work until I flesh them out. But knowing I have done it once, means I can do it again.
I was also able to solve technical problems with programs and systems I had never used before. I am not tech savvy, so this is a big win for me! It also means that I have the confidence that I can climb over most obstacles to self-publish a physical/e-book.
Acceptance
Hearing back from my editor and beta readers validated that my story was actually good. Even though I kept telling myself that I was only writing it for me, hearing back from people that they couldn’t put the book down felt amazing. It took a lot of work to get to that point and I feel like it paid off.
The most amazing feeling, so far, is when a complete stranger sent me what they were going to use as their GoodReads review. I received it right after the book cover debacle and I cried happy tears when I read what they wrote. Everything I was trying to accomplish, they said I did.
“The Perilous Road to Her is instantly engaging. The character of Olivia draws you in with her dark backstory and dangerous life - and anyone with siblings can easily relate to her fear for her sister. The author did a wonderful job of creating a sympathetic character while still keeping the story moving at a fast pace. As I mentioned, the story definitely has its dark moments, but these are crafted well and realistically grounded. If you want an enjoyable read that still handles the issues of the real world, this is a great book for you.” - ELLIE
Joy
Joy comes and goes, like any emotion, and I feel like I will have more to say about this once my book is finally out in the world. However, I have experienced so much happiness in creating a world and characters that are real to me. I am happy that I have finally written a book! Something as recently as two years ago I never actually believed would happen.
On this rollercoaster, I have learned skills I never had. Most importantly, I have learned about myself. I have learned just how strong I am, even if I don’t always feel that way. I have learned that it’s okay to cry. I have learned patience. I have learned what it looks like for a dream to come true!
Battling the Dragons
Writers weave words together to take a reader on a journey. While doing this, writers themselves go on an emotional journey as we battle our own mental health demons.
Whatever stage you are at on any given day, know that you are not alone. Writing is hard, believing in yourself is hard, and getting stuff done is hard. But in the end, I hope the reward for surviving the terrifying roller coaster is greater than any of us could imagine!
Thank you for joining me as I diverted from the Stepping Stones entries. Next week I will share my journey of putting the actual book together and my experience with Amazon and IngramSpark.
Please subscribe to be notified when new journal entries are posted.
N. L. Blandford
May 2, 2021
